It’s been a long time since I wrote on here, mostly because I seem to never find the time to just sit and write what I feel. I’ve spent a lot of time getting myself together and finding where I was going but not a lot of time really deciding what I want from life.
Honestly it is really hard to decide what I really want from life, because most of the time I simply want everything to fall into place. Nothing however, nothing worth having is every easy. It is never going to fall into place for me, I have to make it work together and sometimes I forget this fact. Sometimes I curse the wind and yell at the heavens as I try to find answers as to why everything feels so hard. Really my life is no where near as hard as many others. I’m accomplished in that I have a job, I wrote a book, I live on my own and pay my own bills. I have a job which in the economy today is more than many others can say.
Life is hard, it makes whatever happens worth it. It makes you strive for what you want and then when you have it you appreciate it more. I appreciate my job because I had to work for it. I appreciate the people around me because I know they work to be there for me, and I work to have them there for me.
In all honesty the hardest part of life is letting go… and today I’m letting go.

This is an open letter to those I have loved and lost and to those I have loved but never really had.

I wish you luck, but I’m going down a different path now. Years from now you may try and come back into my life, but it will never be the same. I will never trust you because when I needed you most you walked away. I may have hurt you in some way but you have left me with scars. I fear trust now. I fear holding on because to me in the end, everyone leaves.
Yet, in all of this I wish you nothing but the best. I wish you good fortune and long life. May you find your happiness and joy that you can appreciate what is given to you without thought or jealousy.
In our times you have inspired me, but now you are like an anchor around my neck dragging me down. I must move on. Goodbye.

Sheyna

So right now I’m watching So You Think You Can Dance Canada, while Role Playing with my friend and I’m finding myself a little antsy.
I recieved the proof copy of my novel and am looking it over, I find that really the only things I need to correct are the contractions which are not really a big deal, more of a personal preference. So that’s always a plus. Sadly it’s making me want to have book two written already, yet I know that’s going to take a lot of dedication and time.
And I just realized my cellphone is in my room.
Anyway since it’s ‘cooler’ out tonight I’m hoping to head to bed early and get a good nights sleep.
So not much content for this post, just a quick hello, and good night.
Sheyna

The past few weeks I’ve spent a bit of time working on my art a lot less than my writing. Which has actually been a little relaxing considering. It’s not easy work popping out a novel, and I do hope to write my second novel within the rest of this year and before the summer of next year. So I can once again spend the summer, just relaxing rather than writing.
Lately though, I’ve been noticing more and more the little things I do that I shouldn’t do. Including placing commas where they NEVER belong or where they are just a few words off. I’m trying to work on that but I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I write fast and never think much about the process in which I’m doing it. Or just because I don’t think when I write.
Anyway, I’ll be working on a few of the pages here, and over the next few weeks, I plan to do a few more updates to my sites. With some really good luck maybe I’ll be able to move forward and start doing some advertising for my novel.
You can find a link to my novel under “Published Works”. Check it out, purchase a copy! It’s worth the read.

Sheyna

I can’t say for sure what happened to me posting this week. At some point or another I think I fell into a hole or something and haven’t been seen since. Then again I could blame it on work and the editing of my book.

My editor has managed to finish past chapter sixteen though I have no idea where she is as she has all the rest of the book now. I’m done the rewrite stage and so I’ve been trying to focus on the summary for book two now. Book two and three are probably going to be two of my favorite books, even though I lack a name for both of them just yet. I can just say they go together.

Though Ben is supposed to be doing my cover for the book, I am going to look at making a digital cover too, in case he backs out or fails to do it in time for the re-release of the book. 380 pages to it, at a regular novel size. 5.5×8.5

Needless to say I’m actually really excited about this book. It’s a lot different than the original version, the climax has changed and I’m hoping it’ll be really great for a lot of people. Anyway, there is a lot to do this weekend and I don’t have much time to do it all. So busy little bee, out.

My mood is bah. My plans are cancelled.

Thus bah, cancelled plans. When I have better attention span I might edit the rest back in but I’m feeling like ass.

Somedays you just want to scream, at the top of your lungs about everything that is getting on your nervers but you don’t. Somedays you want people to listen and other days you don’t care if you’re screaming at the wall, you just want to get it out. Today was one of those days.

While I don’t feel the absolute need for someone to listen, or to actually scream I do feel the need to get everything that is driving me absolutely crazy off of my chest.

I have this co-worker. She’s a nice person, is very compasionate about those she considers friends and likes to help other people out. Much like myself, I imagine she likes helping other people out because for a small part of it she feels more useful when she does than when she does not. She has a baby, well a son… not so much a ‘baby’ anymore as he’s over a year old, and anything over a year I find is more a small child than a ‘baby’. I’m happy this child makes her happy and that all the little things he does she finds adorable, and I’m sure most people with children or wanting children do too. I’m twenty-five, turning twenty-six this year. I do not find the mispronounciation of words and the growing phases of children that I do not know cute. I really don’t even find kids as adorable… kittens are adorable… kids right now are a lot of work. So when she imitates the baby, it is not cute, nor is it funny it’s just well annoying. I’m most of the time trying to work, and I would rather be able to concentrate on that then talk about babies. Sorry I’m just not ready yet. It’s not that your kid isn’t cute or that what he does isn’t cute, it’s just I’m not ready for kids so I really just don’t need to hear all about them.

I’m trying, desperately to be polite, and laugh when she does it, or compliment her on how ’sweet’ her baby is, but honestly… I’m tired. I’m busy and I don’t have time.

I did not even check my emails until 4:00pm today. I mean I checked the important ones that had to do with work but the joke emails and the personal emails, they were not looked at till the end of the day. I did not have time to check the weather, or the news. I barely had time for breaks and lunch. Hell I even only had one break in the morning, there was not time for the second one in the afternoon.

I guess I’m getting fustrated because while I understand this is the real world and no one is going to pat me on the back for everything I do, sometimes a “you’re doing well” wouldn’t hurt. So I know that I’m not f’ing everything up and that I’m not about to be fired tomorrow.

I work hard, everyday. EVERYday. There are times where I may slow my productivity to make the lack of work last a little longer but I am ALWAYS done everything that has to be done at the end of the day. If it’s busy I forego my breaks and if really busy I do the same with my lunch. Staying late would NEVER bother me. I don’t even really care if I get paid sometimes. AS long as people just acknowledge I’m willing to do that.

Sometimes shit happens and we deal with it. We had plans but not all plans go through. Sometimes we’re running late. When the work has to be done it has to be done. If I planned on leaving early but a lot came in, then a lot came in and I have to get it done, and I’ll just have to be late to wherever it was I had to go. (and I hate being late for anything)

I don’t know. I guess in the end all my work ethic is not the same as most people. I have this whole ’shit happens’ attitude towards things. Sometimes shit happens and I have to suck it up and do it. Getting all self righteous about it is not going to get the work done. It’s not going to make everything all better. It’s just stuff that has to get done. Whether I like it or not, and I can bitch about how it came to me at the last minute later.

Ah well, it was a long day, a busy one too. Needless to say I’m exhausted and have a book to finish. One and a half chapters, plus an epilogue and an Author’s Note to go. I’m almost there! Now to try and get a hold of my editor….where the heck is she!

Lots of Love.

Sheyna

So I’ve been going through these things in life trying to understand a lot of the simple things. I’ve had for the longest time, pain in my legs, back and stomach. It comes and goes and ranges in severity. Friday night was probably the worst amount of pain I had ever been in. I almost woke my roommate or anyone who would listen to take me to the hospital but I was afraid they would look down on me. Or be upset that I woke them at 4am.

In doing some research I began looking at the symptoms of what I have to try and figure it out. I mean I’ve known for a while now that I’m ‘depressed’ but I always thought that was it. There was just some Chemical imbalance. No drugs were working properly though. They would work just fine between periods but the second I hit one it was like a roller coaster ride and I could go from happy to psychotic in 2 seconds flat. Hell I could do it faster than that at times. I hurt friends and I lost friends but I never understood what was going on. We tried changing the drugs we tried different activities hell I tried staying away from the computer but something more was going on.

So I wrote down all the symptoms and I began looking. It’s called Endometriosis… and it effects moods, causes pain and can give a Vertigo effect. While I still have a lot of testing to do for it… I’m confident this is it. It’s finally going to make sense.

The pain in my legs that could keep me up for hours, it was described as growing pains. I’m 25 almost 26 and I haven’t gained a fraction of an inch in years.
The back pain and stomach pain, I thought I just had really bad periods… because you know I got them rarely… but sometimes the pain was there even when I didn’t have a period. And then the stomach pain was unreal at times.
The vertigo. I for the longest time thought it was a lack of sleep or an Iron defeciency. I’ve tried vitamins, more excersize, more sleep but I would still have these moments where I would just lose myself. The world would continue to spin and I couldn’t understand what was wrong hell I could not understand what was going on.
Everything was starting to make sense. Constipation followed by bouts of diaherria, pain or blood even in stool. I’ve found so many of the problems staring back at me with the same answer.

There’s been an answer all along, I should have known there would be one. Now its just a point of getting it fixed and finally getting back to normal.

-Sheyna