Sometimes, you just want it all. You want the cake, you want to eat the cake and you don’t want to gain a pound from doing it. Wash, rinse, repeat. We all have ‘things’ we want in life. Whether they are material or emotional or perhaps psychological and material we want something from life, but we don’t always get everything we want. We honestly would not know where to put it all if we did.

Though I can think of a few places I would ‘put’ the ‘things’ I want in life. Not everything I want is ‘financial’… A million bucks wouldn’t hurt but it’s not really what I want. I want more than anything in the world understanding. Faith not necessarily in the powers beyond or above… but faith in friendship and faith in building trust and starting over. I want less cowardice from those who claim to love me, and for those who do love me really and truly to hide less and be here with me when I need them most.

I guess every once in a while I find myself thinking back about the missed opportunities. I know some of it is my fault, some of it is not. I can apologize but I think I’ve done that enough. I could make a step towards reconciliation with the people gone, but I’ve done that enough. I keep making the first step. I keep asking the questions and iniating the conversation however, I’ve done it enough.

So with all the things I’ve done enough of, why is it I’m still sitting here wanting it all. I honestly don’t think my will power is strong enough to reject these people if they tried to walk back into my life and I sadly know that the longer it takes for them to come back, if they come back at all, it’s bothering me. It’s eating at me every day how easy it was to just drop me from their lives, how easy it was for them to just walk away from me. It’s eating at me how it does not even bother them that I’m no longer a part of their life, that they don’t talk to me. And yet I can say or do nothing because I said I would not iniate anything anymore… but it’s killing me sitting and waiting and I’m ready to break.

So where is the strength when I need it most… where is the love that I’m to find in this world… and what do I do when I want it all…

For those living inside of the cardboard box, we’re in the middle of what is called an “Economic slow down” so in other words a recesssion. General Motors is restructionering to avoid going bankrupt, the CDN dollar is dropping while the cost of fuel is skyrocketing still. We’re in a situation where it becomes quite frightening to go to work everyday and not be sure if you will even have a job at the end of the day.

We work hard and do whatever it is that we can to keep our jobs but sometimes things are just out of our control. The company may want to keep as many people as it possibly can and especially people who work hard for them but sometimes it’s just out of their hands, out of their control. Yet for the employees it’s like a roller coaster of ups and downs that has us on the edge of our seats wondering if tomorrow we’re going to have a job or not.

Everytime I hear of people getting laid off, I become almost… paranoid. I worry that I will be next or that I will find myself in the same situation as some I know where they know when they’re going to be laid off but they’ve been given some time to find another job. Work is slow right now, it’s not getting busier and no matter how hard we work we can’t make more business come in if there is no business to come in.

I guess in a way right now we have to just keep going forward and be thankful for the moment that we still have a job, that we’re not in the unemployment line and work hard enough to ensure that we don’t end up there. Even if hard work won’t save it all… we have to remember that the economy will pick up but it takes us still living life to do it.

That’s how it works. If people stop spending and pinching every penny, saving every dime we end up in situations like these ones. We have to spend money to make more money. The economy doesn’t pick up when we stop spending, it picks up when we spend reasonably. I’m not saying we need to put ourselves in debt so deep we can’t get out, I’m saying we need to still get our groceries, still treat ourselves to a movie or perhaps a book every now and then, and we need to still be out there in the world living our lives as if well tomorrow might not come.

Spend in limits, take a little from each pile and watch what it is we do.

For those who haven’t taken the oportunity to do so, before reading this post I suggest you take a look at “Start of the Road”. That section is probably important to understanding this post. It’s a long page of writing, but it’s worth a read and makes this journey blog make a little more sense.

After writing the aforementioned piece I had this unbelievable desire to show it to someone, to show the world my scars and let them know that I was human too. Though the process of doing so was a little more difficult emotionally than I had thought it’d be. At first I was too nervous to print it and I told myself it wasn’t important, and then it became almost as if I could just push the piece aside and let it go but then the most overwhelming sensation passed over me… it was too important to rebuilding myself to changing myself for the better to not show it. It would make me accountable and those who read it would make me accountable too.

I’m accountable to the changes I’ve demanded myself to make and the changes I NEED to make for the better. Yet, more importantly and more than anything I wanted this piece out there because I want to help. I want others, other girls and boys whom have walked this same path as me to understand that it is going to be ok.

It isn’t me looking for validation or acceptance through my writing, it’s me looking to extend my hand and offer it to others. We have to understand this disease to move forward and as my mother told me the information that’s most valid is understanding that when we talk about it, when we tell our loved ones about it we’re not ratting this person out, we’re not tattle-tailing or even trying to destroy this person’s life as many of us don’t want to do. Often this person is someone we love or loved and someone we know but they’re sick and they need help. There IS help out there for them, but we need to understand the disease and so do they.

If we do nothing, we won’t be the only victim of this person. Think about it, what kind of woman does this man date? I can tell you almost at 99.9% sureity that this woman is likely short, small boned, with a rounder face and absolutely no chest. Why can I tell you this? Because these women… they look like children still. If they act like a child still even better. This is a disease and these people need help. Our secrets don’t save them, only our honesty.

It is going to hurt, it is going to be hard and it WILL NOT go away over night… but the longer you let it sit and fester, the longer you hold this secret to yourself the longer it has to slowly eat at you, to slowly tear each part of you out until you’re left with nothing but a broken spirit and pain. And one other fact of which I’m sure, you won’t notice the damage it’s doing until it’s too late.

In moving forward we must be honest, I must be honest and in doing so I know my telling the truth was the right thing to do and that my being as open as I am here will one day help someone else find the right thing to do.

-Sheyna Plamondon