Archive for the ‘The Fork In the Road’ Category

The ARGH Factor

Friday, August 7th, 2009

There are some days in life where all you want to do is scream. I want to scream right now. I want to scream at the top of my lungs then close myself up in a dark room until I’m calm again. Right now I feel so frustrated with people.

I can find times where I enjoy watching, studying and interacting with different people but right now just isn’t one of those times. The slightest incident is triggering me to react in a manner that probably isn’t for the best. Right now my boyfriend and I are working together. We work at the same law firm in different areas… I also work with my roommate who again works in a different area. Now there are no problems between my roommate and I. We don’t often interact. Ok, sometimes we do… but generally it doesn’t happen often.

Right now though, I’m finding myself hitting a brick wall because when the boyfriend complains about work, I can’t agree with him, because I honestly think he’s wrong. I honestly think what he believes to be right, is wrong. I don’t know how to react to that. Or how to really get around a discussion about it. I’ve told him before that we see things on different levels and really we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on the subject but it always comes up. In fact everything always comes up. No matter what we’re talking about we end up talking about his work, his career ideas, his goals, his art, his future… I just sometimes wonder why he doesn’t want to hear about mine… Anytime we talk about me, he cuts in with something about him. He says it’s him relating to the story, to me it feels like, telling him about me, was boring him and so he’s moved on.

It’s hard, I keep trying to have discussions with him but they’re never serious, I don’t know if he knows how upset I am because I don’t know how to tell him… and I don’t want to upset or hurt him. He’s wonderful, really he is, and I know he cares but sometimes I just feel lost. Anytime I bring up issues I’m having with friends or when I’m really upset it’s like he shuts down. He doesn’t know how to respond, and he just shuts down.

My roommate is currently going on dates, and I find myself jealous. I don’t get to experience that much. I don’t get asked if I want to go somewhere. I get “What do you want to do?” and the assumption that every weekend I’m spending it doing something with him. Or that I’m sleeping over. Lately I haven’t been sleeping over because lately it’s made me feel uncomfortable.

I don’t know, I think I’m wearing myself down and I’m finding myself facing the choice of fixing it or running away and I don’t want to run away… I want to fix it, but it just feels like I can’t get any fight out of him. Nothing…

He’s so proud of himself, and I’m happy he has confidence and security but some days I wish he’d just talk to me… and more so listen… and provide input. Don’t relate, provide input that helps in a situation.

Maybe I just want to date my fictional character Kyle… because really he’s perfect in everyway. Actually he’s clingy and self doubting a little but other than that, he’s perfect!

0
Posted in Life, The Fork In the Road |

The people along the Way

Thursday, June 11th, 2009

Along the journeys I’ve taken before and even the one I’ve found myself on now I’ve met a variety of people and when I was younger it didn’t seem as much of an impact when one of them was suddenly gone. Or even if they left over a period of time, it wasn’t as shocking as it seems to be when you get older.

Getting older I suppose we begin to find it harder to make new friends and we become stuck on the ones we have but when the ones we have grow apart from us or fade back into the distance we end up standing alone. That alone time is the time where most mid-life crisises happen. Though I like to believe that I’m not having a mid-life crisis, I think I’m a little young for that, I am finding myself alone lately.

I rode the bus home from work today and listened to a kid screaming nonstop the whole way and when I pulled out my cell to send a text to someone about it, there was no one I could text. Not that my contact list is empty, it’s got lots of people in it. It’s that I have no comfort in messaging any of them.

Times get tough and real friends are going to stand there beside you when they happen… some of these friends I would have never left… but apparently it was ok to leave me.

This point is rough, because I don’t know where to start again. However, part of this is knowing I can not and will not give up. I’m starting this knowing I have to let go of those I love because holding onto them isn’t fair to them. So I’m letting go… from here on out, I’m letting go. They’ve made their choices, it has been far past time for me to make mine.

-Sheyna Plamondon

0
Posted in Life, The Fork In the Road |

The Start of the Road for Me

Sunday, June 7th, 2009

Throughout my life I’ve tried numerous times to make a journal, somewhere I could collect my thoughts and perhaps pose forth the questions that most plague my mind. Though each of these attempts have failed, I’m giving it one more shot here and now.

I often view life as a road we travel and along the road we stop and take moments to meet people. Some of these people will travel our road with us and others may tag along for a while but will ultimately head off in their own direction and at times we will reach what I like to call the fork in the road. A moment in our lives where we must make a decision and sometimes those decisions can change what life really means for us.

I myself have reached many of these forks in the road and more recently have found myself standing before one that is vaguely familar to me, one that I’m sure I’ve seen before. In fact I’ve seen it many times before but I’ve always taken the safe bet, I’ve always gone to the left. I know the left, it doesn’t hold any surprises for me, it will be a path well travelled. The path however is riddled with pain and heartache, pain that until these moments I’ve pushed into the farthest corners of my mind and let grow never knowing what it was doing to me.

I’m the type of person who gives without second thought, the person who would if she could rescue any of her friends and loved ones from any danger. I know in a bind if I absolutely needed to, I would walk to get to them, even if they are thousands of miles away from me. I would walk, beg and steal if they asked me to come to them. This is the way I’ve always been and the path I’ve always travelled because I know this path but this path has had me trampled over on more than one occasion. It’s held me back, I’ve held me back.

It’s not me, it’s a shell of me that walks in circles reaching at some point the same fork, the same problems. I’ve pushed loved ones away thinking I was protecting myself but instead I’m at the fork and no one is with me. Perhaps if someone had been there I’d have known to go right, but I can’t believe that. I can’t believe that it was up to someone else because even if there was someone there in the end it’s my body, mind and spirit and the only one that can  make me go right is me.

So now at this fork I’m going right and on this new journey I’m going to do my best to write here, and let me feel what I feel openly. No more secrets, no more lies. Just me and Life. This is Life, and the (hopefully) Long Road Ahead.

-Sheyna Plamondon

2
Posted in Life, The Fork In the Road, The Long Road |