This is an open letter to those I have loved and lost and to those I have loved but never really had.

I wish you luck, but I’m going down a different path now. Years from now you may try and come back into my life, but it will never be the same. I will never trust you because when I needed you most you walked away. I may have hurt you in some way but you have left me with scars. I fear trust now. I fear holding on because to me in the end, everyone leaves.
Yet, in all of this I wish you nothing but the best. I wish you good fortune and long life. May you find your happiness and joy that you can appreciate what is given to you without thought or jealousy.
In our times you have inspired me, but now you are like an anchor around my neck dragging me down. I must move on. Goodbye.

Sheyna

Sheyna

I can find times where I enjoy watching, studying and interacting with different people but right now just isn’t one of those times. The slightest incident is triggering me to react in a manner that probably isn’t for the best. Right now my boyfriend and I are working together. We work at the same law firm in different areas… I also work with my roommate who again works in a different area. Now there are no problems between my roommate and I. We don’t often interact. Ok, sometimes we do… but generally it doesn’t happen often.

Right now though, I’m finding myself hitting a brick wall because when the boyfriend complains about work, I can’t agree with him, because I honestly think he’s wrong. I honestly think what he believes to be right, is wrong. I don’t know how to react to that. Or how to really get around a discussion about it. I’ve told him before that we see things on different levels and really we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on the subject but it always comes up. In fact everything always comes up. No matter what we’re talking about we end up talking about his work, his career ideas, his goals, his art, his future… I just sometimes wonder why he doesn’t want to hear about mine… Anytime we talk about me, he cuts in with something about him. He says it’s him relating to the story, to me it feels like, telling him about me, was boring him and so he’s moved on.

It’s hard, I keep trying to have discussions with him but they’re never serious, I don’t know if he knows how upset I am because I don’t know how to tell him… and I don’t want to upset or hurt him. He’s wonderful, really he is, and I know he cares but sometimes I just feel lost. Anytime I bring up issues I’m having with friends or when I’m really upset it’s like he shuts down. He doesn’t know how to respond, and he just shuts down.

My roommate is currently going on dates, and I find myself jealous. I don’t get to experience that much. I don’t get asked if I want to go somewhere. I get “What do you want to do?” and the assumption that every weekend I’m spending it doing something with him. Or that I’m sleeping over. Lately I haven’t been sleeping over because lately it’s made me feel uncomfortable.

I don’t know, I think I’m wearing myself down and I’m finding myself facing the choice of fixing it or running away and I don’t want to run away… I want to fix it, but it just feels like I can’t get any fight out of him. Nothing…

He’s so proud of himself, and I’m happy he has confidence and security but some days I wish he’d just talk to me… and more so listen… and provide input. Don’t relate, provide input that helps in a situation.

Maybe I just want to date my fictional character Kyle… because really he’s perfect in everyway. Actually he’s clingy and self doubting a little but other than that, he’s perfect!

In the long run, I did accomplish a few things. I managed to get my RP site started, with my whole two members. LOL. www.sswars.com/forums which of course is hosted off of my book’s website. I think it was appropriate considering the book is based on a group of RPs that were run back in the nineties and some of the new millenium. (God I’m old). The book itself is also back! http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/secret-service-wars-of-secrets-and-shadows/7473327 Hella long link for a book to be listed on but of course you can just click it. I say back because this is the second edition of my novel. It’s longer and better, because it had an editor of course….lol.

Most of my time was absorbed with editing the book and getting it all ready to go though I’ve been working on getting other things done, not much has gotten done.  I’m working as steadily as I can on a new novel, the second part of my series, and I’ve not even finished chapter one. Starting the book is always the worst I find. I’d like to have it done by the end of the year, beginning of next year, but really that’s a pipe dream.

I’m finding myself thinking a lot lately, in the shower, before I go to sleep, on the bus and a lot of the time this friend or rather former friend of mine comes to mind. I use to joke with her telling her she was the best friend because no matter how hard I pushed she didn’t leave. Yet since she’s left I’ve felt a lot of different emotions and more recently I’ve felt a lot of anger towards her. Now though when I’m calmer and less upset over the whole situation I can’t help but laugh. She was my best friend, when the times were good. At least good for me. When my life got rocky when I felt weaker and desperate, she walked away. Three months of “I’m thinking…” and I’m done waiting for the results of this thought.

I wish her the best. Now and in the future. Yet standing on the edge of a cliff with not bridge to the other side is pointless. I’m going for a walk, away from the cliff and I’m going to see where life takes me. It’s obvious by this point she doesn’t want me on that side. Because if she did she would have only had to ask.

Anyway, I best get back to work, break is over and there’s still a lot to be done.

My editor has managed to finish past chapter sixteen though I have no idea where she is as she has all the rest of the book now. I’m done the rewrite stage and so I’ve been trying to focus on the summary for book two now. Book two and three are probably going to be two of my favorite books, even though I lack a name for both of them just yet. I can just say they go together.

Though Ben is supposed to be doing my cover for the book, I am going to look at making a digital cover too, in case he backs out or fails to do it in time for the re-release of the book. 380 pages to it, at a regular novel size. 5.5×8.5

Needless to say I’m actually really excited about this book. It’s a lot different than the original version, the climax has changed and I’m hoping it’ll be really great for a lot of people. Anyway, there is a lot to do this weekend and I don’t have much time to do it all. So busy little bee, out.

Thus bah, cancelled plans. When I have better attention span I might edit the rest back in but I’m feeling like ass.

While I don’t feel the absolute need for someone to listen, or to actually scream I do feel the need to get everything that is driving me absolutely crazy off of my chest.

I have this co-worker. She’s a nice person, is very compasionate about those she considers friends and likes to help other people out. Much like myself, I imagine she likes helping other people out because for a small part of it she feels more useful when she does than when she does not. She has a baby, well a son… not so much a ‘baby’ anymore as he’s over a year old, and anything over a year I find is more a small child than a ‘baby’. I’m happy this child makes her happy and that all the little things he does she finds adorable, and I’m sure most people with children or wanting children do too. I’m twenty-five, turning twenty-six this year. I do not find the mispronounciation of words and the growing phases of children that I do not know cute. I really don’t even find kids as adorable… kittens are adorable… kids right now are a lot of work. So when she imitates the baby, it is not cute, nor is it funny it’s just well annoying. I’m most of the time trying to work, and I would rather be able to concentrate on that then talk about babies. Sorry I’m just not ready yet. It’s not that your kid isn’t cute or that what he does isn’t cute, it’s just I’m not ready for kids so I really just don’t need to hear all about them.

I’m trying, desperately to be polite, and laugh when she does it, or compliment her on how ’sweet’ her baby is, but honestly… I’m tired. I’m busy and I don’t have time.

I did not even check my emails until 4:00pm today. I mean I checked the important ones that had to do with work but the joke emails and the personal emails, they were not looked at till the end of the day. I did not have time to check the weather, or the news. I barely had time for breaks and lunch. Hell I even only had one break in the morning, there was not time for the second one in the afternoon.

I guess I’m getting fustrated because while I understand this is the real world and no one is going to pat me on the back for everything I do, sometimes a “you’re doing well” wouldn’t hurt. So I know that I’m not f’ing everything up and that I’m not about to be fired tomorrow.

I work hard, everyday. EVERYday. There are times where I may slow my productivity to make the lack of work last a little longer but I am ALWAYS done everything that has to be done at the end of the day. If it’s busy I forego my breaks and if really busy I do the same with my lunch. Staying late would NEVER bother me. I don’t even really care if I get paid sometimes. AS long as people just acknowledge I’m willing to do that.

Sometimes shit happens and we deal with it. We had plans but not all plans go through. Sometimes we’re running late. When the work has to be done it has to be done. If I planned on leaving early but a lot came in, then a lot came in and I have to get it done, and I’ll just have to be late to wherever it was I had to go. (and I hate being late for anything)

I don’t know. I guess in the end all my work ethic is not the same as most people. I have this whole ’shit happens’ attitude towards things. Sometimes shit happens and I have to suck it up and do it. Getting all self righteous about it is not going to get the work done. It’s not going to make everything all better. It’s just stuff that has to get done. Whether I like it or not, and I can bitch about how it came to me at the last minute later.

Ah well, it was a long day, a busy one too. Needless to say I’m exhausted and have a book to finish. One and a half chapters, plus an epilogue and an Author’s Note to go. I’m almost there! Now to try and get a hold of my editor….where the heck is she!

Lots of Love.

Sheyna

This is just a short post, one that says I’ve been sleeping a lot better lately. I’ve been living a lot better lately and that I hope to continue to do so over the next little while.

Novel Progress!

Re-Write Progress: Two chapters left, one Epilogue, one authors note and maybe a foreward written by a friend.
Editing progress: Chapter sixteen complete… new chapters being printed to be forwarded to the editor.

Fingers crossed, there’s an end in sight!

In doing some research I began looking at the symptoms of what I have to try and figure it out. I mean I’ve known for a while now that I’m ‘depressed’ but I always thought that was it. There was just some Chemical imbalance. No drugs were working properly though. They would work just fine between periods but the second I hit one it was like a roller coaster ride and I could go from happy to psychotic in 2 seconds flat. Hell I could do it faster than that at times. I hurt friends and I lost friends but I never understood what was going on. We tried changing the drugs we tried different activities hell I tried staying away from the computer but something more was going on.

So I wrote down all the symptoms and I began looking. It’s called Endometriosis… and it effects moods, causes pain and can give a Vertigo effect. While I still have a lot of testing to do for it… I’m confident this is it. It’s finally going to make sense.

The pain in my legs that could keep me up for hours, it was described as growing pains. I’m 25 almost 26 and I haven’t gained a fraction of an inch in years.
The back pain and stomach pain, I thought I just had really bad periods… because you know I got them rarely… but sometimes the pain was there even when I didn’t have a period. And then the stomach pain was unreal at times.
The vertigo. I for the longest time thought it was a lack of sleep or an Iron defeciency. I’ve tried vitamins, more excersize, more sleep but I would still have these moments where I would just lose myself. The world would continue to spin and I couldn’t understand what was wrong hell I could not understand what was going on.
Everything was starting to make sense. Constipation followed by bouts of diaherria, pain or blood even in stool. I’ve found so many of the problems staring back at me with the same answer.

There’s been an answer all along, I should have known there would be one. Now its just a point of getting it fixed and finally getting back to normal.

-Sheyna