There are some days in life where all you want to do is scream. I want to scream right now. I want to scream at the top of my lungs then close myself up in a dark room until I’m calm again. Right now I feel so frustrated with people.
I can find times where I enjoy watching, studying and interacting with different people but right now just isn’t one of those times. The slightest incident is triggering me to react in a manner that probably isn’t for the best. Right now my boyfriend and I are working together. We work at the same law firm in different areas… I also work with my roommate who again works in a different area. Now there are no problems between my roommate and I. We don’t often interact. Ok, sometimes we do… but generally it doesn’t happen often.
Right now though, I’m finding myself hitting a brick wall because when the boyfriend complains about work, I can’t agree with him, because I honestly think he’s wrong. I honestly think what he believes to be right, is wrong. I don’t know how to react to that. Or how to really get around a discussion about it. I’ve told him before that we see things on different levels and really we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on the subject but it always comes up. In fact everything always comes up. No matter what we’re talking about we end up talking about his work, his career ideas, his goals, his art, his future… I just sometimes wonder why he doesn’t want to hear about mine… Anytime we talk about me, he cuts in with something about him. He says it’s him relating to the story, to me it feels like, telling him about me, was boring him and so he’s moved on.
It’s hard, I keep trying to have discussions with him but they’re never serious, I don’t know if he knows how upset I am because I don’t know how to tell him… and I don’t want to upset or hurt him. He’s wonderful, really he is, and I know he cares but sometimes I just feel lost. Anytime I bring up issues I’m having with friends or when I’m really upset it’s like he shuts down. He doesn’t know how to respond, and he just shuts down.
My roommate is currently going on dates, and I find myself jealous. I don’t get to experience that much. I don’t get asked if I want to go somewhere. I get “What do you want to do?” and the assumption that every weekend I’m spending it doing something with him. Or that I’m sleeping over. Lately I haven’t been sleeping over because lately it’s made me feel uncomfortable.
I don’t know, I think I’m wearing myself down and I’m finding myself facing the choice of fixing it or running away and I don’t want to run away… I want to fix it, but it just feels like I can’t get any fight out of him. Nothing…
He’s so proud of himself, and I’m happy he has confidence and security but some days I wish he’d just talk to me… and more so listen… and provide input. Don’t relate, provide input that helps in a situation.
Maybe I just want to date my fictional character Kyle… because really he’s perfect in everyway. Actually he’s clingy and self doubting a little but other than that, he’s perfect!